This Christmas season has been a special one for me. A mommy friend mentioned a few months ago that his might be the last that our 3rd graders were believers in Santa. The idea that my munchkin might one day outgrow the fun and fantasy that is the Santa
lie myth hit me like a ton of bricks.
Then I picked myself up and decided that this Christmas would be a memorable one.
That plan was quickly complicated when we: A) decided to take Mars with us to Louisiana for his first extended visit with my in-laws and B) realized that Mars didn’t want anything spectacular for Christmas because he already had everything.
Never to fear, Mommy had the answer. No matter that we would be driving on Christmas day and opening gifts in another city. How better to showcase the power of Santa! All I had to do was call Santa (UPS), let him know that we would be in Monroe the day after Christmas (gave them Granny’s address), and would he please deliver Mars’ gift there (Granny, please put the box under the tree). Voila!
Can I tell you how much I was feeling myself over this? The mommy mojo was flowing!
Until Mars stopped it dead in it’s tracks.
Join me in my car a few nights ago…
Mars: Will I open my gifts on Christmas Eve since we’re leaving Christmas Day?
Mommy: No, you’ll be with dad on Christmas Eve. Remember, I called Santa and asked him to drop off your gifts in Monroe instead.
Mars: *in his disapproving voice* Mom. I know that’s not true. So why do you keep saying that?
Mommy: *panic stricken, gripping other mommy’s leg & in least panicked voice she can muster* What do you mean, Punky?
Mars: I KNOW that you didn’t call Santa.
Mommy: Why didn’t I call Santa?
Mars: Because I know that you can’t call him.
Mommy: Of course I can call Santa! Every mom has his phone number.
Mars: Mom. *pause for effect* That is NOT true. Santa does NOT have a phone! He just knows things on his own. You don’t really call him and tell him.
Mommy: *slowly loosening death grip on other mommy’s leg* Why do you think Santa doesn’t have a phone? Everyone has a phone!
Mars: *in know-it-all voice* Because he lives in Antarctica! You can’t have phones there! Do you know what it’s like in Antarctica!?!
At this point, Mommy 2 begins whispering about the geographic inaccuracy of what Mars has just said. I chose to remain focused on what’s really important: winning an argument with my 8yo about a mythical being.
Mommy: Mars, they can put cell phone towers anywhere. The man has flying reindeer and flies toys around the world to millions of children in a single night, but you don’t think he could convince AT&T to put a cell phone tower near his house?!
And there you have it folks. AT&T won’t let anyone be great. Not even Santa. An immortal, overweight, yet not diabetic, man who has created a society built on the slave labor of an elf race and rides around in an old-fashioned sleigh pulled at speeds unknown to the non-military world by nine reindeer, one of whom has a red (radioactive?) nose.
Nope, not even him.