Look, I know what you’re going to say. That really is an incredibly inappropriate title for this post.
But it’s soooooo true.
You’ve already heard about the sex talk. And now, in true Mars fashion, we’ve had the drugs & alcohol talk. And it was a doozie.
So it all started when my little person and I were discussing the burglary. Again. (Little people often need several conversation to deal with big situations, so that part doesn’t irritate me.) He was questioning my actions that night. (That part kinda irritated me.) Specifically, he was calling me a lilly-livered so-and-so for failing to jump out of bed, run down the stairs yelling at the top of my lungs, ninja kick the burglar then stand over his motionless body while flexing my girl-muscles.
That’s a direct quote. Yes, he was serious.
I thought it would be best to be honest about what I was thinking that night. I thought that Mars would be better off: A) knowing that it’s better to think before acting, and B) not thinking his mother is a pansy. Heavy on the B.
So I explained to Mars that if Macy’s loud barking and growling didn’t scare the burglar away, I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do to deter him, either. He might have been on drugs, and drugs
fuck with people’s brains negatively influence people’s decision-making abilities.
“Oh, you mean like he probably drank some wine like you drink?”
What!?!? No! Wine isn’t a drug. It’s alcohol.
(Yes, I know alcohol is technically a drug. Just roll with me here.)
“Oh. I thought wine was a drug.”
No baby. No. Wine is not a drug. Your mommy does not do drugs.
(I said roll with me…)
“So just beer and those other things you drink?”
NO!! Nothing mommy drinks is a drug! I don’t do drugs! Drugs are illegal. Alcohol is legal.
“Oh. So I don’t understand. What are drugs?”
Drugs are things like marijuana, cocaine, heroine. And you don’t drink them. You get them into your body by taking a pill, or injecting them with a needle or smoking them.
Drugs change the way your brain works. They’re dangerous because they mess with your ability to make good decisions. They also can become addictive, meaning that your brain and body start to need them to get through the day. You shouldn’t ever start taking drugs because they could seriously mess with your body and your brain and even the way you grow.
“Like how you told me that if I drink alcohol when I’m too young it will hurt my body?”
Exactly. Plus, drugs are illegal. If you use them, hold them, sell them or buy them, you can be arrested and go to jail. It can be illegal to buy or use alcohol too, if you’re too young.
“What’s too young?”
You have to be 21 to drink or purchase alcohol.
“When will I be 21?”
Sometime during college. Definitely not in high school.
So let’s say you’re about 15, and your friend says, ‘Hey Mars, let’s go to the corner store and buy some beer.’ What would you do?
“Well, first of all, that guy isn’t really my friend if he wants me to do something that’s illegal.”
***Pause for the inevitable beam of Mommy Pride***
Great answer, Love! That’s exactly right.
“So mom. Remember when you guys were having that talk with other mommy’s dad [a discussion at NYE dinner during which Mars was completely engrossed in the iPad. I thought.] about how you taught other mommy how to drink when she first got to college? How old was other mommy?
***Mouth drops. Car swerves. Uncomfortable silence.***
You know what, Mars, that’s enough talk about alcohol and drugs for one night. We’ll revisit this in high school.
I need a drink.