If you had asked me how many children I wanted when I was 16, I would have answered 9. Yes, 9. So that my spouse and I could field our own football team.
Yeah, I know. Slowly but surely, my ambitions have given way to reality and that number has dropped. I’m proud to say that I’m down to a respectable 3 and that my wife is only slightly freaked out about the idea.
But I’ve got a problem. An exposure problem.
That’s how Dr. S., the fertility doc, put it.
How do you solve an exposure problem? You buy sperm. And expose yourself to it.
Ah, the miracle of reproduction.
And so my wife and I opened up the internet and began our search for sperm. I say began because months later, we’re still looking. It turns out, picking the perfect sperm to expose yourself to isn’t easy. Or cheap.
As a former practicing heterosexual, I found this latter revelation quite distressing. $500? For one vial? Do these people not know how easy it is to find sperm on the open market? Guys are giving it away, hell, even paying women to take it. I could stand out on a corner right now, buy sperm from 10 guys and still pay less than I would for a Cleveland Cavaliers ticket post LBJ.
Ok, ok. To be fair, this isn’t just any sperm. It’s damn near designer sperm. The donors have been screened, interviewed, personality tested, lab tested, and provided 3 generations of medical history. They must have a degree or be pursuing one. They must be perfectly healthy, tall, specimens of the male form. And if that weren’t enough, their swimmers must be grade A as well. Lots of ’em that swim really really fast.
Despite the near perfection requirements, the sperm banks have plenty of donors in their databases. Caucasian donors that is. Of the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of donors listed in databases from across the country, we’ve found only 15-20 that are black men. And I thought being a black heterosexual woman with 2 degrees narrowed the field.
Combine that stat with this article about donors who father dozens of children due to lack of regulations in the US and the search gets even hairier.
Finding the perfect donor, who isn’t every other black lesbian’s perfect donor, might be more miraculous than we thought.
A friend of mine found this article after reading this post. Amazing how little has changed since 1999, no?