Deja Vu


The rage and the weariness are not gone.  They are merely settled. 

Some days, my Weariness is overcome by my Rage.  Those days, I am at WaR. 

Other days, my Rage is overshadowed by my Weariness.  Those days, I am RaW. 

Most days, I am both. RaW with emotion but unwilling to disengage from the battle.  WaR strategies streaming through a brain attached to a weary body. 

I don’t know that this will end anytime soon.  In fact, I am resigned to the presence of both, their constant push and pull rocking me forward step by shaky, unsure step. 

The funny thing is, I think that my Creator has been preparing me for this moment.  Preparing me for this odd set of emotional states that require a level of maturity I frankly didn’t possess 5 years ago. 

In April 2011, I got scared.  Something was going on with my body and I had no idea what.  Horrible words like MS and seizures were being thrown around. Panic, worry. I wasn’t prepared to be sick and the fear of the unknown had me shook. 

By August of 2011, I was raging.  What was going on and why in the hell couldn’t the doctors figure it out? Months passed and I got angrier still. Why me? Why now? Why didn’t anyone have an answer? 2016 and the best you can do for me is treat the symptoms?  Seriously? 

All the while, I was weary and growing wearier by the minute. When I wasn’t ranting about the uselessness of the American medical system, I was bemoaning the energy I didn’t have and the strength that just wasn’t there any longer.   I want to do, and see, and go but all my body can do is lie here.  Seriously? 

It took a good 4 years, but I finally reached a place of peace with my condition. The doctors still can’t give me a definitive diagnosis.  Some days, all my body can do is lie in one place. But I’m ok with my reality in a way that was unfathomable in 2011. Sure, it sucks some days.  But it would suck a lot worse if I let it continue to eat away at me.  That’s not to say that it doesn’t effect nearly aspect of my life — it most certainly does.  But affecting my life and controlling my life are two different things. 

So this fear/rage/weariness dynamic is a place that I have been before.  The triumvirate have threatened to take over my life before, controlling my thoughts, my actions and my interactions.  I stopped them then and I will stop them again. I didn’t win by ignoring them or the reality of my sometimes sucky health, but by realizing that they couldn’t control me unless I allow them to. 

The same is true today. I’m not going to ignore the legitimate reasons for fear and rage and weariness that a Trump presidency are producing in my life. But I’m also not going to let them control me.  Will they inform my thoughts and actions and interactions? Absolutely.  They must. But then I must go on living.  Even if “go on living” is a strange and rocky back and forth motion that puts one shaky foot only marginally in front of the other. It’s still moving.  It’s still forward.  

And as my condition has also taught me, when I must rest, I will rest.  Not because I am weak or because I’ve given up.  But because battles and priorities must be chosen.  And every battle and priority cannot be mine.  

And because I am human. Prepared for this moment.  Surviving this moment.  But human, nonetheless.